the grief survey

they say time heals //

San Jose Cemetery in Austin, Texas // kodak 400 film

my father / he was my father / my sister / my younger brother / he was my husband of 29 years / my soulmate / my co-conspirator / my playmate / ardent ally / articulate antagonist / my best friend / my everything / my child / my twin

shocked / I feel shocked / shattered / numb / a nuclear bomb / desperately lonely / a state of disbelief / I feel robbed / heartbroken / flat / angry / unhinged / guilty / resentful of the living / in constant pain / consumed / stretched like a piece of elastic / a continual November

I held their bodies / thought of nothing else / sat in his chair / buried my face in his pillows / drank a lot of tea / cleaned everything / unable to sleep / the emptiness filling every hour / I became partially blind / dropping things / breaking things / bumping into things / like a house built on stilts / metal and glass / monochromatic / so very loud

I feel high / zingy / relief / ecstatic and elated / laughing / danced on the lawn / I have more energy than I’ve ever had before / I do not feel loss at all / I never even cried / a slow unraveling / reality set in / I am a stranger / outside of my body / a bit more reckless / I drink a lot / started smoking / have a lot of sex / need to orgasm three times a day / need to be touched / have to keep up the charade / a rollercoaster / a part of me is missing / a spare part / an obsolete piece of machinery / if only I could warn them / I never got a chance to say goodbye

tired / I feel tired / constantly tired / a downward heavy drag / as if I have somehow shrunk / a deep immovable sadness / suicidal thoughts / the yawning blackness of her departure / longing and yearning / I am hollow / feel like I could drop dead at any point / I don’t trust my body to keep me alive / I don’t know / I don’t know how to grieve

I lost my memory / lost all empathy / walked for miles every day / walked only on mountaintops / rootless / in bewilderment / a liminal space / a parallel universe / the deepest hole of black despair / existing not living / constantly imagine the worst / fearful of crowds / a lightning storm / radically ruptured / so much paperwork / it has, quite frankly, destroyed me

I live minute by minute / count every day / keep busy / I keep busy / time seems endless / has no meaning / is passing so quickly / hangs heavy / certainly seems to gallop / brighter and more harsh / they say time heals / time does not actually heal / I am wasting my valuable time

I am hoping for a miracle / meditation helps / meditation is awful / I sit in silence with the horror / I sit in a beautiful place / withdraw to find stillness / left to my own survival / I write / I draw / talking is the best / getting a dog / walking a dog / poetry and music and good solid hugs / nothing makes me feel better / nothing makes me feel worse / I don’t think I could feel worse than I do

I say his name / he visits my dreams / I just know he’s there / feel his hand on my neck / my arms around her / I always feel close / being watched / I play his guitar / I wear his shirts / I pray / I post / I go online / a book of remembrance / her handwritten recipes / white feathers / I see white feathers / a great urgency to come home

the world has shifted / a painful rebirth / clouds, stars, rainbows, plants, flowers / more connected / I feel more connected / carrying this secret knowledge / all falling into place / a solitary life / a new life / I am learning to continue / to keep going / I take things seriously / put myself and my needs first / no longer worry about the future / can do mostly anything now / I will never be the same / I am softer / I am fearless / I am not afraid / I have to live / I want to live / like falling in love again

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The words and phrases here were lifted from 235 anonymous responses to a grief survey titled “Experiences of Grief: A Phenomenological Survey, 2020” (DOI:10.5255/UKDA-SN-856067) conducted by researchers at the University of York, funded by the UK Arts and Humanities Research Council. Learn more: https://www.griefyork.com/survey

Thank you to researchers Louise Richardson and Matthew Ratcliffe for reading an early draft and giving me permission to creatively repurpose the survey results.